ONE , TWO , THREE ...

An Alternative Christmas Carol 

with apologies to Charles Dickens ,,, a keen amateur magician

“Could be good though, Eb …Couldn’t it ? ”

Eb Scrooge looked at his partner with disbelief, not least because he had been dead these ten years past. “ Y-y-you're not real … are you? ” he found himself saying.

“ l don’t know,”  Jake Marley retorted “ A lifetime in magic and you ask me that ? C’mon Eb , think about it … you and me … the old partnership back together …. No more phoney mentalism …

a partner who can really walk through walls ?”

“ I -I- I …” Eb Scrooge was lost for words . The figure before him looked like Jake Marley, apart from , what were they , chains or something that he was carrying. He knew this couldn’t really be happening , but it felt the business.

“Just kidding, Eb” Jake laughed “ I’m working on an escapology routine and its taking an eternity to master …” He rattled the chains to emphasise that he was well and truly shackled.

Eb looked at the chains but before he could speak, Jake said “ Don’t ask … we don’t have all night. I’m here to help you find your Mojo."

It was true. Eb Scrooge was tired. Two weeks from Christmas and where was he ?

Where indeed ? Premier Inn , of course, but it could have been anywhere. He felt as if he had been everywhere this year and most of his nights were spent in rooms identical to this , and in all of this time he hadn’t once met Lenny Henry.He had chuckled to himself earlier as he poured himself a beer . “ I could put that in the act ” he thought.

Oh , he couldn’t grumble . He’d managed to keep going after the sad loss of his partner.

“ I re-invented myself, didn’t I ”  he told the glass “ Found a new market … or two ... or three”.

He chuckled again.

Scrooge and Marley had been great. Comedy Illusionists. Had their own TV show for a while, but they never stopped working. When Jake Marley died suddenly , it all stopped.

Nobody wanted half an act. Particularly the half that wasn’t funny

Eb was the clever one. The brains of the outfit. “ Common Knowledge” Eb thought “ I guess I just didn’t have the X factor ”. He laughed out loud at this.

He’d worked hard , though. He’d tried for a while to re-engineer the act for solo performance.

Quart into a pint pot … standard magic stuff . He even tried using a vent dummy for a while but he just didn’t have enough hands free for the magic . On the plus side , the audiences saw the funny side and for a while the dummy was in great demand.

He’d written a couple of books , one for the mass audience , funny stories about being one half of the nation’s favourite magic act , and a more technical volume for fellow magicians.  

Both were well received , and he was generally in demand on TV chat shows , celebrity game shows and at magic conventions. He did occasional live shows ...and he always took the dummy.

Tonight had been a live show , and it was his last engagement of the year. The audience had been warm. They laughed in the right places , and applauded the magic reverently.

But he was tired. The old routines were just that , old and routine and he took little real pleasure in them.

He had settled down to watch an old movie on TV just before Jake Marley appeared.

There was no flash or puff of smoke. Jake was just there , grinning as he always had, goading him…

“ I’d like a volunteer from the audience” he said, looking around the hotel room“ how about you sir ?”  Eb shook his head and laughed. This was completely ridiculous, but he found himself raising his hand ...

“ Thank you sir, step right this way” said Jake , waving him towards the bathroom , as best he could with his hands full of chains.

Where the bathroom door should have been , there was now a frame containing three full size doors , numbered 1 , 2 and 3 . The numbers were large and glittery. Behind the frame there appeared to be nothing but the bathroom door itself.

“ I’d like you to pick a number between 1 and 3 “ Jake continued “ Any number … totally free choice … today if possible “

Eb wasn’t sure what was going on , but decided to choose 3.

“ Do you want to change your mind , sir ?”

“ No , I’m happy with number 3” he confirmed.

Jake clanked steadily around the back of the frame and when he got to the front , he opened door number 3.

Eb watched as the door swung open. It appeared darker through the doorway , so he moved forward , then he stepped through the doorway with a little push from Jake.

When his eyes adjusted , he realised they  appeared to be in the wings of a Victorian theatre.

The building and stage was lit with gas lamps. In the gloom of the auditorium , he could make out faces , men , women all formally dressed. A packed house.

On stage , although he could not hear , a magician in full top hat and tails was gesticulating and waving a large silk banner. Suddenly the banner was gone and a large elephant stood in the middle of the stage. The magician bowed. The audience rose to their feet and applauded enthusiastically.

“ I always envied these big illusions” Eb said , wistfully “ We did OK , but we never did the really big stuff … never got that kind of applause ”

“Times were different … people were different ...those were the days when EVERYONE talked about the elephant in the room” Jake replied.

Suddenly they were back in the room and Jake was saying “ Those big shows , needed lots of people , who needed to be in on the secret.. I always preferred to be self contained”

“ It gets lonely after a while …” Eb said.

Jake clanked his chains again “ Sorry,moving on signal” he said “ Which number do you want next ?”

Just to be awkward he picked number 1.

Jake leaned forward and opened the door. Again it was dark through the frame.  As they stepped through , Eb sensed they were outside. He wasn’t sure where. There were modern street lights and a cobbled road surface. In the distance , Eb could hear faint music and voices , some laughter. He assumed they were on the edge of some kind of leisure complex.

Suddenly , he was aware of footsteps approaching quickly , as if running. A group of young people ran past them breathlessly and realised they had turned into a dead end.

He didn’t think they could see either Jake or himself. As they caught their breath in the alleyway , a silhouette appeared at the open end of the alley. A tall man , Eb thought , wearing jeans and a hoodie. For a moment , Eb wondered if there was going to be trouble.

The man strode , purposely, towards the cornered group. He held his arms out , as if to show he was unarmed , Eb wondered.

“ Can I show you some magic ? “ he said quietly …

Eb didn’t see the magic. He was back on the edge of his bed in the hotel.

“ What was all that about” he exclaimed .

“ Thats the way they do it now” said Jake “ street magic … if the audience won’t come to you, you’ve got to take the magic to them”

“Where’s it going to end ?” Eb said , shaking his head

Jake smiled and pulled open door no 2.

Inside was … nothing , well not nothing , more like an empty factory building. In the middle of the room was a sign which read “ The Future of Magic” . There was no one else in the building except Eb and Jake , but behind the sign was a table and on the table was a 3D printer , whirring away , backwards and forwards , slowly creating four objects.

“How long’s this going to take ?” Eb asked

“ Time is of no consequence this side of the door … so settle down. It will take as long as it takes.”

Some while later the printer stopped whirring.

 There in front of them were three cups and a small ball …

All of this happened some time ago . It would be nice to tell you that somehow, Eb was a better man following the odd events of that evening. He wasn’t … but somehow he regained a fresh enthusiasm for his old routines … and he performs them to this day , maybe in a street close to you.

Merry Christmas One and All. 

                  

First published in Northern Lights magazine December 2017 ... courtesy of Northern Magic Circle